Camden Three Months Old

And just like that the newborn stage is over.

IMG_0362

We have surpassed the magic 12 week mark. Things are more stable, but I wouldn’t call them easy. I’m coming to terms with the fact that this will never be easy. I do feel less like I’m drowning….and more like I’m treading water.

IMG_0400

Camden is heavy. I have no idea how much he weighs, but I’m guessing at least 15 pounds. I say it all the time, but it’s really unbelievable how fast he is growing. It’s noticeable from week to week….and it blows my mind. I never really understood why moms cried packing away clothes or looking at old pictures, but I am not ashamed to say I have now joined the club. We now have three boxes in the basement full of his newborn clothes. For me, when I think about how much he has grown and I look at photos from when he was so small, I feel a lot of guilt. All of this has been harder than I ever thought it would be, and I spend a lot of time wallowing in that difficulty. Acknowledging that he is getting bigger every day is a reminder that these moments are passing me by and I need to learn to cherish them. It’s a lesson I’ll be learning over and over again I’m sure.

IMG_0367

He has rolled over a few times, but not with consistency. He likes to look at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t smile often, but when you do get a grin and a happy coo out of him, it is the best. He babbles and shrieks and makes all kinds of sounds…including fussing. Often. Heh. The two activities I can always count on to calm him down are walks and baths…so we do those daily.

IMG_0365

We transitioned him out of our room and into his crib in his room about three weeks ago . Lord have mercy. It’s been a nightmare. It’s getting better….I think. Sleep in general is just a constant, never-ending struggle. We didn’t really have a time or set date in mind for the crib transition…..we just decided to give it a shot, and once we did we figured it was better to stick with it. We packed away the bassinet in the basement, and again I cried.

IMG_0355

I wished for this. For him to be a little older. For things to be a little easier. And now I see newborns and my heart aches, and I miss it. The way he curled up on my chest. And I start to think about having another one (in a decade). Because I am a fickle woman with the world’s shortest memory.

IMG_0306

He screams in the car, and I can’t figure out why. I try to get out with him and do things, but it’s very difficult and often not worth the stress. I really hope this changes. I miss being active, going places and interacting with other humans. There are all kind of activities in KC to do with babies, and every week I plan to try some of them out, but most of the time it ends up being miserable.

IMG_0224

I miss running. A lot. I miss writing. I have a never-ending to do list. My house is a mess. I am not keeping up with the news and have completely tuned out to 90% of political shenanigans. I miss my friends. I miss my husband. I used to get shit done. Now I’m lucky if I get my damn groceries ordered. Yeah, for delivery. Like that is what my productivity has become. Some days all I accomplish is keeping my kid alive.

I was not prepared for such a difficult child. But that is what I got. And I’m trying to find ways to cope. I feel very isolated in that. Very much alone. And pretty guilty for putting it out there on the Internet. But that is my reality.

FullSizeRender

It’s a good thing he’s so cute.

IMG_0369

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *