Forgiving Yourself

I’m trying to stay on top of this blogging thing.

Blogging is something I’ve always wanted to do. Ever since the high school Xanga days before Facebook. I love having an outlet — a place to bounce around some creative energy, and collect my thoughts and experiences. When I don’t make time to write, I am a less happy person. Writing is how I live and think and process. Writing is who I am.

But I am also a fan of doing things well, and I would rather not do something at all than do it poorly.

I have a long list of topics I’ve been wanting to write about, but haven’t found the time to really flesh them out. Writing is hard work, and I like to work through a couple drafts of something before I’m ready for other eyes to see it. Throwing this post together at 10:30 p.m. on a Sunday makes me a bit nervous. But, being a writer means being exposed, and if I want to have a successful blog, then I’m going to have to post more often — meaning sometimes I won’t be publishing my best work.

I feel torn about this, but I guess that’s why it’s a process.

I keep putting this blog on the back burner, and it’s stressing me out, because I want it to be more. But between work, and the million other things going on in my life right now, I’m not sure how else to prioritize.

I signed up for a half-marathon in October, and have not been training like I should. After this week, I really can’t mess around or I won’t be ready for it. I’m in three weddings this fall, which is awesome, and wonderful, and lovely, but also so much time and money. I love weddings. LOVE. But I’m having a hard time finding any open weekends between now and Christmas. (Reserve your time with me now!)

Our new duplex still needs a lot of work. Stevoid seems to think it’s fine, of course, but the white walls and cluttered corners are stressing me out. There’s so much I want to do with the place to make it feel like home. But when? And how? I’m really not very crafty, but I want to try.

I keep beating myself up for all of this. For not blogging. For my never-ending to do-list. For the white walls and the un-run miles, and the phone calls to friends I haven’t made. I’m starting to feel very exhausted.

There are only so many hours in the day. Only so many days in the week. And when the weekend comes all I want to do is sleep. And that’s okay.

Sometimes you just have to forgive yourself. Sometimes you have to go to bed and worry about the rest tomorrow. Sometimes you have to remember that you’re 24. If you haven’t reached a substantial amount of life goals by the time you’re 48, maybe you should panic then?

Chilling out is not something I’m super good at, but I think I’m getting better. And laying awake at night worrying about when I’m going to blog next is no way to live. I’ll blog when I can, and that’s all I can do. No point in beating myself up over it.

And now it’s time for bed.

5 thoughts on “Forgiving Yourself

  1. Love your spontaneous post, this is refreshing and realistic everyday living. I love to write and when I first started blogging I had a difficult time letting go of being somewhat of a perfectionist in fact free writing is a great tool I like to use because it gets all of my thoughts out so I can focus on more meaningful writing. I look forward to following. Have a wonderful night, Allie

  2. Erin, I love reading your blog and all the articles you link to on FB. So good and insightful. Keep on keepin’ on, girl!

    Totally feel you about not having enough time in the day. Danny and I have been going home a ton in the midst of wedding planning, and our house is full of clutter. We finally painted our living room last weekend after three months with it half covered in primer and paint samples. Basically what I’m trying to say is, you will get there. Transition is tough, especially when you have to balance work and family and, you know, life. Don’t get discouraged, and keep on sharing! Your thoughts and posts help the rest of us.

    1. Thank you Natalie! For the record, I love your blog too. 🙂 I was just thinking this morning that the stress I’m feeling over my busy schedule feels a lot like wedding planning did. Definitely a busy time, but it goes fast!

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